Finding a loving relationship is the main goal in life for most Americans, placing it ahead of career or financial success. Yet half of all marriages end in divorce. What is the cause of conflict in relationships?

“Most fights are really protests over emotional disconnection” says Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy. She goes on to say that “we are never more emotional than when our primary love relationship is threatened. When our loved one is unavailable or unresponsive, we are assailed by emotions of anger, sadness, hurt and above all fear. Fear interrupts and negatively impacts the secure attachment bond with loved ones. It is the strongest and most deeply held emotion. The anger, criticism and demands are really cries to draw their mate back in emotionally and reestablish a sense of safe connection.”

How can families create loving and harmonious relationships in their daily lives?

• Consider the Golden Rule – Treat other people the way you want to be treated. We all long to feel valued and understood, and to know that our thoughts and feelings matter.
• When your loved one confronts you use the skill of Active Listening. It’s your time to listen; not to refute their claim or defend your actions, but to listen for the underlying message at the heart of their complaint. Remember, the protest is usually over emotional disconnection.
• When you need to talk use the “I Message” formula. Express what you want instead of what is wrong (with the other person). It’s easier for an individual to listen to you when s/he does not feel attacked or put down.The “I Message” formula is “I feel ___________ (upset, hurt, rejected, discouraged) when _____________ (the action that was done) and I would like _____________ (the desired result).

Time unfortunately does not erase emotional wounds. When issues are swept under the carpet they often show up in the next big argument. Find the courage to address your needs and wants using the skills of communication to overcome life’s obstacles, enjoy conflict resolution, and to create Relationships For Life.