We’ve all been taken by surprise with news of the seemingly “ideal couple” getting a divorce. This unexpected event shakes us up for a while causing one to reflect on their own relationship and to experience a “what if” moment. It often leaves one feeling unsure how to keep their relationship on track.

All couples go through rough patches in their relationship. What’s sad is that when it happens to us we feel like failures, shut people out and hold fast to the appearance of having our emotional house in order. How different it would be if our society were to normalize, neutralize and put judgments aside so that we can truly be supportive with one another.

Finding a loving relationship is the main goal in life for most Americans, placing it ahead of career or financial success. Yet half of all marriages end in divorce. Couple’s attempts of working through those perpetual issues are like the definition of insanity … doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Yet it’s the reaction from our partner (defensive or non-responsive) that keeps this destructive cycle alive.

What is the cause of conflict in relationships?

“Most fights are really protests over emotional disconnection” says Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy. “We are never more emotional than when our primary love relationship is threatened. When our loved one is unavailable or unresponsive, we are assailed by emotions of anger, sadness, hurt and above all fear. Fear negatively impacts the secure attachment bond with loved ones. The anger, criticism and demands are really cries to draw their mate back in emotionally and reestablish a sense of safe connection.”

5 Keys for a Thriving Relationship

1. Prioritize time with your partner. Keep romance and friendship alive. Put responsibilities aside and make time to nurture your relationship.
2. Words – Be mindful how you start up a conversation. The delivery of a message is often more important than the actual words themselves. Kind, considerate and respectful talk that is reserved for friends or when company is present needs to be used with your spouse.
3. Pay attention to your partner’s bids for connection. Notice and acknowledge your partner’s gestures of kindness, even for those things that are “expected” in relationships.
4. Take care of unfinished business. The #1 predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict. Prioritize time weekly to work through problems that keep you feeling disconnected. An Emotionally Focused marriage therapist may help you discover the root of the issue and set you on a more enriching path.
5. Respect – the Golden Rule of Relationships – Treat your partner the way you want to be treated and treat yourself the way you want your partner to treat you.

Photo credit – sheknows.com