Recently I was asked to discuss the problem of bullying for a local morning TV news segment. I wondered just how helpful I would be because my work is primarily with adults, not adolescents. Then it dawned on me that many of the emotionally abusive patterns that couples find themselves caught in are similar bullying patterns that adolescents experience. Unless aggressive bullies learn how to manage feelings of frustration and rejection, as well as to manage conflict more effectively, and Target/Victims overcome the lies of unworthiness and helplessness, and become assertive; they both become victims caught in a destructive style of relating.

The problem, according to the newly released movie “Bully” shows that we as a society have been unsure as to whether bullying is really a problem, or if it’s just “kids being kids.” Where does one draw the line with unkindness and meanness? Secondly, when we suspect that the bullying behavior is getting out of hand, we’re unsure about what action to take. If we step in and rescue the child, it makes the child look weak; and if we don’t do anything we in essence are allowing the child to be abused.

Bullying is a problem of physical and relational aggression. We need to be clear that any type of physical or relational aggression is not to be tolerated. Treating people as if they are not good enough is never okay.

Understanding the Aggressor/Bully

• Bullying is learned behavior
• They lack skills in managing feelings of frustration or rejection as well as the social skills of working with or tolerating differences
• When the bully feels powerless or afraid, he is likely to be aggressive because it makes him feel powerful and in control
• Although they appear to be “social leaders” they tend to have serious adjustment and relational issues in the future. They have doubts about their value and self worth.

Bystanders/Witnesses
Bullying incidents are witnessed by a crowd of people 80% of the time. The Bully experiences the full affect of his dominance and power over the Victim when he’s generated a jeering crowd that (inadvertently) supports his actions. Bystanders often feel guilty after witnessing these incidents and wish they could have handled things differently. Similar to Victims, they feel
powerless, helpless and unsure what to do.

Bystanders can have a tremendous impact in stopping aggressive behavior. Parents can help their children by teaching that hitting and name calling are never okay. Talk with them about how they feel after they witness a bullying incident in school. Discuss scenarios of what they can do the next time they witness injustice. Plan ahead with friends to stop participating as a bystander and stop the bullying pattern. When the Bully is your friend, you can tell him to stop. Encourage bystanders to walk away with you leading the way. Find courage from within to befriend the target/victim.

Read my previous article: Bullying: 3 Important Steps for Parents of Bullied Children