Has a loved one ever hurt you and though they apologized, you weren’t able to put the offense behind you? Something about their apology was missing the mark. In their book, “The Five Languages of Apology” Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas found that “what one person considers a sincere apology is not necessarily what another person may consider a sincere apology. In essence, they have different languages of apology.”
Apologizing is fundamental to having healthy relationships. The five are as follows:
a. Expressing Regret: “I am sorry”
The offended person needs to hear the words I am sorry. Those words convey ownership; that you realize what you did has hurt them deeply. It acknowledges and identifies their pain and ownership of your behavior. “Without the expression of regret, they do not sense that the apology is adequate or sincere.”
b. Accepting Responsibility: “I was wrong”
Willingness to admit wrongdoing. Own it. Conveying that what you did was wrong, unkind or insensitive. Some people have a difficult time admitting they’re wrong. Saying I was wrong does not mean I am bad. It erroneously becomes tied to their self-worth instead of being linked with behavior. Everyone messes up from time to time. No one is perfect. As one comes to terms with their individual strengths and limitations without feeling ashamed, they will be better able to own the wrongdoing.
c. Making Restitution: “What can I do to make it right?”
A person whose primary language is making restitution requires that the offender express a willingness to do something to make up for the pain that was caused. (When you know what the hurt person’s love language is, you can offer restitution based on their love language. i.e. If their love language is quality time, suggest that you make time for just the two of you. If their love language is Acts of Service, suggest that you clean the kitchen, wash their car, etc. to make up for how you’ve hurt them.)
d. Genuinely Repenting: “I’ll try not to do that again”
“The word repentance means “to turn around” or “to change one’s mind. In the context of apology, it means that an individual realizes that his or her present behavior is destructive. They regret the pain they’ve caused and choose to change that particular behavior.
Sometimes people decide they will work on changing their behavior but don’t inform the offended person of their intent to change. Verbally expressing your intention is critical for the person whose language of apology is genuinely repenting. The offended person your affirmation that you’ll work hard to not repeat the offense. After expressing that you’ll try not to do the offense again, develop a plan for implementing that change. What will you do instead? Replace the misstep with a reparative new step.
e. Requesting Forgiveness: “Will you please forgive me?”
Asking for forgiveness is an act of humility. The person asking for forgiveness puts himself/herself in a very vulnerable position. There’s a great risk for rejection. But when the hurt party’s apology language is requesting forgiveness, it clearly conveys that the offender is truly sorry.
Most people need a combination of two or three of the above apology languages to be expressed. When you learn what your languages are, as well as those of your loved ones, then you’ll be able to more clearly communicate what one needs to hear in order to heal from a relationship rupture.
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