Why is it that couples so often wind up arguing over seemingly simple matters? A small comment gets lost in translation and suddenly the tension rises until it becomes an insurmountable barrier to the relationship.
“Most fights are really protests over emotional disconnection” says Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. “We are never more emotional than when our primary love relationship is threatened. When our loved one is unavailable or unresponsive, we are assailed by emotions of anger, sadness, hurt, and above all, fear. Fear is the built-in alarm system that turns on when our survival is threatened. The alarm goes off in the brain’s amygdala, and triggers an automatic response to protect and defend.”
Therefore, when a spouse angrily tells her partner, “you spend more time on the computer than with me!” her message likely means I’m feeling replaced, I don’t feel important, I long to be with you. When he responds with “that’s ridiculous! We just spent the entire morning together!” he’s defending or justifying his actions, but not addressing the (unspoken) emotional needs.
When couples are in distress they often wonder, “Do I really matter to my partner?” “Can I count on you?” “Will you be here for me when I need you?” These important questions are at the root of couple conflict.
How can you restore the loving bond?
- Slow down! Instead of reacting (because the amygdala is activated), slow yourself down. Take several deep breaths. Remind yourself that it’s because your partner matters so much to you that you’re “fighting” for connection. You wouldn’t be so upset if the connection were safe.
- Look for the meaning behind the message. Words get in the way of what people are actually trying to convey. If you find yourselves in a “he said/she said” or “yes I did/no you didn’t skirmish,” then stop because you’re fighting a loosing battle.
- Take a time out when the amygdala has taken over and both of you are activated. It takes about 20 minutes for the amygdala to be restored to normal.
- Talk with your partner about what you are needing and wanting, not about what s/he did wrong or what s/he should do to make things better.
We all need a safe haven relationship to turn to when life is too much for us to bear, and a secure base from which we can go confidently out into the world. This connection is strengthened when partners are emotionally accessible and responsive to one another.
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Carolyn and two colleagues will be presenting a Hold Me Tight Weekend on September 28 and 29, based on the book by Dr. Sue Johnson. For more information call (619) 825-5982 or visit HoldMeTightSanDiego.com.
Photo credit: gg-notesonthejourney.blogspot.com
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