As the new school year is upon us, so does a wave of emotions for your children: excitement,
homework, and sometimes stress. Stress is a normal physical response to events that disrupts the
emotional balance in the body. Most of the stress comes from the demands of the environment
(school, family, social) that are greater than one’s current level of coping. Everyone is affected
by stress and each reacts to it in their own way.
There are both “good stress” and “bad stress.” Good stress is that optimal amount of stress that
energizes and motivates us to do our best work. It encourages us to develop effective coping
strategies to deal with our challenges. This ultimately contributes to one’s resilience. Bad stress
occurs when we feel overwhelmed and unable to move forward.
Parents may be unaware of the stress their children experience. The National Association of
School Psychologists reports that the following are common causes of stress for school-aged
children:
- School: When their classroom lacks structure, have unclear or unreasonable expectations,
or have an unrealistic fear of failure. - Home: Lack of family routines, over-scheduling, prolonged or serious illness, poor
nutrition, change in the family situation, financial problems, family strife or abuse, or unclear or
unreasonable expectations. - Peer-related: Having to deal with bullying, fitting in with the crowd, or moving to a
new community.
The following strategies from “Helping Kids Cope With Stress” Kids Health may be helpful:
Notice out loud. Tell your child when you notice that something’s bothering him or her. If you
can, name the feeling you think your child is experiencing. (“It seems like you’re still mad about
what happened at the playground.”) This shouldn’t sound like an accusation (as in, “OK, what
happened now? Are you still mad about that?”) or put a child on the spot. It’s just a casual
observation that you’re interested in hearing more about your child’s concern. Be sympathetic
and show you care and want to understand.
Listen to your child. Ask your child what’s wrong. Listen attentively and calmly — with
interest, patience, openness, and caring. Don’t try to fix the problem. Avoid any urge to judge,
blame, lecture, or say what you think your child should have done instead. The idea is to let your
child’s concerns (and feelings) be heard. Try to get the whole story by asking questions like “And
then what happened?” Allow your child to speak.
Comment briefly on the feelings you think your child was experiencing. For example, you
might say “That must have been upsetting,” “No wonder you felt mad when they wouldn’t let you
in the game,” or “That must have seemed unfair to you.” Doing this shows that you understand
what your child felt and that you care. Feeling understood and listened to helps your child feel
supported by you, and that is especially important in times of stress.
Put a label on it. Many younger kids do not yet have words for their feelings. If your child
seems angry or frustrated, use those words to help him or her learn to identify the emotions by
name. Putting feelings into words helps kids communicate and develop emotional awareness —
the ability to recognize their own emotional states. Kids who can do so are less likely to reach
the behavioral boiling point where strong emotions come out through behaviors rather than
communicated with words.
Help your child think of things to do. If there’s a specific problem that’s causing stress, talk
together about what to do. Encourage your child to think of a couple of ideas. You can start the
brainstorming if necessary, but allow your child to problem solve. Your child’s active
participation will build confidence. Support the good ideas and add to them as needed. Ask,
“How do you think this will work?”
Listen and move on. Sometimes talking and listening and feeling understood is all that’s needed
to help a child’s frustrations begin to melt away. Afterward, try changing the subject and moving
on to something more positive and relaxing. Help your child think of something to do to feel
better. Don’t give the problem more attention than it deserves.
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