When people get hurt by a loved one they react with anger or resentment and if not dealt with, inadvertently shut down. While these feelings may be appropriate responses, unresolved issues manage to drive a wedge between two people and is likely to reappear in the next argument.

Forgiveness is letting go of the need for revenge. It is a process that heals emotional wounds and restores power to the individual. It does not condone the inappropriate behavior or personal violation. It does not erase or attempt to conceal the painful act. It is not forgetting or pretending the offense doesn’t matter. Instead, forgiveness allows one to let go of the confining shackles of anger and resentment so that you can get on with your life. So long as one holds on to these destructive thoughts and feelings, we give control of our lives over to those who have hurt us. Forgiveness sets us free.

Steps to learn how to forgive:

• Acknowledge your own inner pain. Take time to understand what the hurt is about for you. Anger and resentment are secondary reactions to emotional pain. Determine the underlying primary emotions of hurt, fear, shame, and grief.
• Consider the other’s point of view. Try to understand the point of view and motivations of the person to be forgiven; replace anger with compassion.
• Release the desire for revenge. The wish to inflict suffering or pain on the person who hurt us keeps us in a place of suffering and pain. Forgive yourself for your role in the relationship.
• Express those emotions in non-hurtful ways. Decide whether or not to confront the offender. Use the communication skill of the “I-Message,” sharing how the hurt has affected you (not about what the person did).
• Accept and let go. “When feelings of anger are released, the spirit once held captive by the encumbrance of anger is free to journey again.” Brian Luke Seward.

Forgiving and letting go can be very difficult challenges. It may not create the change you’re hoping for, but it is a gift we give to ourselves and forgiveness sets us free.