Conflict: The Pathway to Intimacy (Part 2)

In part 1 of Conflict: The Pathway to Intimacy, we learned how to identify negative patterns in our relationship and what we can do have more awareness of this destructive cycle.

We are reminded to take a time out to think and go within go get clarity on what is happening within you. This may include:

• Your Thoughts
• Your Feelings
• Your Perceptions
• What You Long For or Need

This should help you and your partner become aware of the negative cycle you share during times of conflict.

The next step after awareness is how to improve communication between you.

Use 3 Effective Communication Skills

1. Active Listening: When your partner is talking, it’s your time to listen. Even when s/he confronts, insults, or criticizes you, you need to listen. (You’ll get a turn later). Active Listening is not about you. Listening is not an admission of fault, nor is it an admission of agreement. It’s about trying to understand what your partner is saying. Real listening conveys the message that you value the speaker. You can be angry and still be able to listen.

Active Listening Involves:

• Reflective back exactly what you heard the other say
• Paraphrasing in your own words what you heard
• Asking clarifying questions until you get it right

 

1. Effective Talking: Before you speak, stop and take inventory first. Ask yourself the following:
   • What feelings am I experiencing? (anger, attacked, insulted, ashamed, abandoned)
   • What is my perception of the offense?
   • What is the goal I hope to achieve? (Cooperation, acceptance, understanding, reassurance of love, time together, respect)
   • How would I like this problem/issue to be resolved?

   Then, when you are ready to talk, use the “I Message” Formula:

   “I feel _______ (state the feeling) when you __________ (state the behavior) because __________ (state what it means to you), and I would like ___________ (state the behavior you would like).

   Example: “I was concerned and angry when you came home late, because to me it means you don’t care about me, and I would like you to call if you will be late.”

   The use of “I Messages” requires that you take responsibility for your own needs. It’s easier for others to listen to what you have to say when they don’t feel attacked.

2. React vs. Respond: When your partner hits a raw nerve – catches you off guard and says, “You always” or “You never”, or if you receive a “below the belt” blow; develop a ready response to keep from entering the destructive cycle.
   • “What do you want from me right now?”
   • “I hear you – let me think about what you’ve said and we can talk in 30 minutes.”
   • “I’m sorry I’ve offended you.”
   • “You’re catching me off guard.”

   It is perfectly okay to take a break during discussion to gain perspective and revisit it again so that emotions don’t flare so high and everyone involved can communicate as clearly as possible.

Foundational keys to a fulfilling relationship

When it comes to foundational keys to a fulfilling relationship, honesty is always the best policy. Prioritize time with your partner to keep romance and your friendship alive. This could be a weekly date or some other type of connection ritual the two of you decide on. Schedule it so it takes priority over other busy elements of your calendar and do your best not to cancel.

What else can you do during the day to day moments that make up your lives?

• Focus on Solutions: Share what you would like instead of what is wrong. Be careful how you “start up” a conversation. Be aware of your feelings and what you hope to accomplish before confronting your partner about a sensitive issue. Use “I feel” messages. Exit an argument before it gets out of control. Take a 20 minute time out to let emotions settle. Remember you are partners; the negative cycle is the enemy.
• Pay Attention When Your Partner is Looking for Connection: Focus on the bright side using the 5:1 Rule: Give five positive statements to and about each other and your relationship to every negative one. Treat your partner with respect – the way you also want to be treated. And treat yourself the way you want your spouse to treat you.

Recognize When you Are In Conflict

When you feel conflicted, before things get too heated or out of control, be sure to ask yourself these questions. It is also good to create this list at a time when you are completely calm and then pull it out to review when conflict arrises:

• What traits attracted you to your spouse?
• What traits did your spouse like about you?
• When things are going right within your relationship, what’s happening with you? (Self esteem, stress level, productivity, etc.)
• List traits of the “ideal marriage”.

Reviewing this list can help get you, and your spouse, back on track and help you hone in on the real problem you are experiencing.

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