Couples who have experienced divorce – whether their own or their parents understandably are concerned about not repeating the past. Unless you evaluate and learn from the past, the likelihood of repeating sabotaging patterns remains high. Adult children of divorce, who are able to disassociate themselves from their parents’ marital problems and see themselves as observers, are able to take responsibility for their own lives and learn from their parents’ mistakes. Statistics show that half of all marriages end in divorce, with a spike at the two year, seven year and 20-year anniversary dates. The following steps can help ensure your relationship remain healthy and long-lived.
- Prioritize your partner. Keep romance and friendship alive. Spend time getting to really know your partner. Discuss one another’s goals, dreams, fears, likes, dislikes, friends, etc. Don’t be afraid of your differences. They are not a threat to your relationship. Learn to accept and embrace their unique qualities, which help to balance your couple relationship.
- Be careful how you “start up” a conversation. When confronting your partner with an issue that needs to be addressed, stop and think about what you want to accomplish. Is your intention to improve your relationship or your couple goals? Or are you trying to defend yourself and get even – taking care of individual self? Be aware of your own feelings and what you want to accomplish. Share both positive and negative feelings with your partner (grateful, touched, hurt, embarrassed, angry, left out) to increase understanding, closeness and intimacy.
- Pay attention to your partner’s bids for connection. Small talk is often used as a way of checking out the receptivity of their partner. Acknowledge your partner as s/he enters a room. Don’t take your spouse for granted. Prioritize a date night at least once per week. Schedule it just like you would any other business appointment.
- A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. A husband’s ability to be persuaded by his wife is so critical because, research shows, women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband is able to do so as well.
- Treat your partner with the utmost respect. Refuse to accept hurtful behavior from your partner. Communicate your feelings using the “I” word. I’m upset, I’m disturbed, I’ve had a bad day, etc. Be responsible for your own feelings. Inform your partner what has upset you and what resolution you would like to see. Ex.: I (feel) ……. when ………. and I would like ……. .
- Exit an argument before it gets out of control. If your partner is talking, it’s your job to listen. Listen for understanding. Listen to the feelings behind the words. Try to understand what your partner is feeling and reflect this back. Let go of defensiveness and join your partner. Learn to attack problems, not each other. Change from Me to WE.
- Focus on the bright side. In a happy marriage, couples make five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship than negative ones.
Real Success is measured by the quality of our relationships. “Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work”, John Gottman.
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