Recovering from an affair impacts a couple at so many levels. The marriage does not have to and in divorce, though. It takes at the very least two years of work helping the couple rebuild trust and making sense of how the relationship became vulnerable in the first place to get them back on track.

It also requires that the couple commit to complete and total honesty, which are the first steps toward recovery. Rebuilding the trust is the cornerstone of the recovery process. The injured person will need answers and clarification to the myriad questions that will come up throughout the next several months. Speaking the truth about the facts of the affair will help the injured partner to hear the facts. It may include how the affair began, how many times they were together, where they met, etc…

Many details about the affair, however, cause more harm to the injured partner and should not be answered such if the person was a better lover. That type of question would best be answered with the mantra, “I’m so sorry for the pain that has caused you.”

Unfortunately, affairs happen to good people in good marriages. Most affairs start-up as just friends and increase to infidelity do to an emotional connection that forms. The person feels accepted, wanted and understood by their lover.

Often the one who strays has had difficulty expressing their wants, needs and longing to their partner. Instead of making the effort, they withdraw, or shut down to keep from fighting because it seemed easier than speaking up for themselves.

Couples who are committed to working through the process rebuilding their relationship can fully recover if they want to and many can have an even stronger bond than before the affair occurred.

“In the spring a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.” Alfred Lord Tennyson.

Welcome Springtime! For native born San Diegan’s like myself, have you experienced a colder or rainier season here than what we just had? I’m happy to put winter behind and bring in the new – flowers, warm weather, flip flops, baseball and … Spring fever.

Is it my imagination, or does spring fever really exist? Can love really be in the air? Helen Fischer, a neuroscientist, professor at Rutgers University and author of five books on the science of love says that love is a “motivation system”. It’s a drive which is part of the reward system of the brain. There are three key components of love, involving different but connected brain systems.

1. Lust – (the sex drive or libido) driven by androgens and estrogens, the craving for sexual gratification
2. Attraction – (early stage of intense romantic love) driven by high dopamine and norepinephrine levels and low serotonin, romantic or passionate love, characterized by euphoria when things are going well, terrible mood swings when they’re not, focused attention, obsessive thinking, and intense craving for the individual
3. Attachment – (deep feelings of union with a long term partner) driven by the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin, the sense of calm, peace, and stability one feels with a long term partner.”

(The above components of love are also associated with the three stages in relationships.)

What does this have to do with Spring? Everything in nature seems to come alive with spring – flowers are in bloom, smells fill the air, the weather gets warmer, and people spend more time together outdoors. As the days get longer, melatonin in our body decreases (which gives us greater energy and vitality). Bulky clothing are replaced by skimpier lighter clothing which reveals a lot more curves and skin. All stimulating, new and novel experiences which release dopamine, the feel good hormone of the brain. Spring fever is alive and well.

I’m intrigued and grateful for the research on the science of love. We now know by studying the brain how to deliberately activate loving feelings and help couples restore closeness in long term relationships. Another hormone associated with increasing closeness is oxytocin, the cuddle hormone. Touching, hugging, holding hands and gazing into the eyes of another person, releases oxytocin. It has a powerful bonding effect for infants to adults. It breaks down social barriers and increases self-esteem, builds trust and reduces the effects of pain.

So touch often, spend time doing new things with loved ones and take advantage of the opportunities springtime provides.

Photo credit: travistysbeard.blogspot.com

We are reminded to take a time out to think and go within go get clarity on what is happening within you. This may include:

• Your Thoughts
• Your Feelings
• Your Perceptions
• What You Long For or Need

This should help you and your partner become aware of the negative cycle you share during times of conflict.

The next step after awareness is how to improve communication between you.

Use 3 Effective Communication Skills

1. Active Listening: When your partner is talking, it’s your time to listen. Even when s/he confronts, insults, or criticizes you, you need to listen. (You’ll get a turn later). Active Listening is not about you. Listening is not an admission of fault, nor is it an admission of agreement. It’s about trying to understand what your partner is saying. Real listening conveys the message that you value the speaker. You can be angry and still be able to listen.

Active Listening Involves:

• Reflective back exactly what you heard the other say
• Paraphrasing in your own words what you heard
• Asking clarifying questions until you get it right




2. Effective Talking: Before you speak, stop and take inventory first. Ask yourself the following:
   • What feelings am I experiencing? (anger, attacked, insulted, ashamed, abandoned)
   • What is my perception of the offense?
   • What is the goal I hope to achieve? (Cooperation, acceptance, understanding, reassurance of love, time together, respect)
   • How would I like this problem/issue to be resolved?

   Then, when you are ready to talk, use the “I Message” Formula:

   “I feel _______ (state the feeling) when you __________ (state the behavior) because __________ (state what it means to you), and I would like ___________ (state the behavior you would like).

   Example: “I was concerned and angry when you came home late, because to me it means you don’t care about me, and I would like you to call if you will be late.”

   The use of “I Messages” requires that you take responsibility for your own needs. It’s easier for others to listen to what you have to say when they don’t feel attacked.

3. React vs. Respond: When your partner hits a raw nerve – catches you off guard and says, “You always” or “You never”, or if you receive a “below the belt” blow; develop a ready response to keep from entering the destructive cycle.
   • “What do you want from me right now?”
   • “I hear you – let me think about what you’ve said and we can talk in 30 minutes.”
   • “I’m sorry I’ve offended you.”
   • “You’re catching me off guard.”

   It is perfectly okay to take a break during discussion to gain perspective and revisit it again so that emotions don’t flare so high and everyone involved can communicate as clearly as possible.

Foundational keys to a fulfilling relationship

When it comes to foundational keys to a fulfilling relationship, honesty is always the best policy. Prioritize time with your partner to keep romance and your friendship alive. This could be a weekly date or some other type of connection ritual the two of you decide on. Schedule it so it takes priority over other busy elements of your calendar and do your best not to cancel.

What else can you do during the day to day moments that make up your lives?

• Focus on Solutions: Share what you would like instead of what is wrong. Be careful how you “start up” a conversation. Be aware of your feelings and what you hope to accomplish before confronting your partner about a sensitive issue. Use “I feel” messages. Exit an argument before it gets out of control. Take a 20 minute time out to let emotions settle. Remember you are partners; the negative cycle is the enemy.
• Pay Attention When Your Partner is Looking for Connection: Focus on the bright side using the 5:1 Rule: Give five positive statements to and about each other and your relationship to every negative one. Treat your partner with respect – the way you also want to be treated. And treat yourself the way you want your spouse to treat you.

Recognize When you Are In Conflict

When you feel conflicted, before things get too heated or out of control, be sure to ask yourself these questions. It is also good to create this list at a time when you are completely calm and then pull it out to review when conflict arrises:

• What traits attracted you to your spouse?
• What traits did your spouse like about you?
• When things are going right within your relationship, what’s happening with you? (Self esteem, stress level, productivity, etc.)
• List traits of the “ideal marriage”.

Reviewing this list can help get you, and your spouse, back on track and help you hone in on the real problem you are experiencing.

Conflict does not cause divorce. In actuality, the number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict. Instead of avoiding conflict in a relationship, let’s take a look at what the real problem is.

Conflict:

• Every happy and successful couples has at least ten areas of disagreement that they will never agree on
• Conflict is the result of unrealistic, un-communicated or unmet expectations
• Most fights are really protests over emotional disconnection
• Research shows there are three times in a married couples’ life that the divorce rate rises – before the 2-year, 7 year and 20 year anniversary dates and we are never more emotional than when our primary love relationship is threatened

Understanding your Negative Cycle:
When conflict occurs, each of you should do the following assessment of yourselves.
When my partner and I are not getting along:

1. I often react by … (describe your behaviors) (I attack, avoid conflict, become cold or aloof, blame, criticize, defend, get quiet, leave, withdraw)
2. My partner often reacts to me by … (describe his/her behaviors)
3. When my partner reacts this way, I often feel … (I feel abandoned, afraid, alone or lonely, angry, attacked, confused, discounted, frustrated, guilty, hopeless, I’ve failed, ignored, inadequate, judged, etc.)
4. When I feel this way, my perception is … (s/he must not care, I must not matter, I’m not good enough, etc.)
5. When I feel this way I long for or need …
6. When I react the way I do, I guess that my partner feels …

What then is the real problem?

Most fights in a relationship are really protests over an emotional disconnection the couple is experiencing. And, underneath all the distress that has surfaced, each partner is asking each other:

“Can I count on you and depend on you? Are you there for me? Will you respond to me when I need you, or when I call? Do I matter to you? Am I valued and accepted by you? Do you need me, do you rely on me?”

Each person desperately needs to know: Are you accessible to me when I need you? Will you respond to me when I call? And will you be emotionally engaged when I am distressed?

All the anger, criticism towards each other, and demands stated are really cries for love. They are using whatever means necessary to draw their mate back towards them and reestablish an emotional connection and feeling of safety in the relationship.

An Example of This Might Be:
“When I get angry with you because you spend so much time on the computer, and accuse you of thinking only about yourself, I really am concerned about loosing you. Sometimes I feel that I’m uninteresting, that you must be bored with me, and I’m afraid that you no longer care about me. I’m overwhelmed with the thought that I’m no longer a priority to you. I miss you and wish we would spend more time together. But I don’t know how to ask you, so instead, I yell at you – hoping you’ll hear the desperate plea in my voice- that I really need and want you involved in my life.”

Visit part 2 of this series: Learn How to Stop this Negative Cycle.

Image credit: baynvc.blogspot.com

Raising children with those responsibilities in mind is no easy task. It takes commitment, patience and growing through the challenges along with them. The good news about raising children is that parents are given dozens and dozens of opportunities to ‘get it right’ in teaching life lessons. The following are foundational pillars to help build the character of integrity in children.

1. Parents are the role model for their children. The most influential way to teach children that which you want them to learn, is by becoming the person you want them to emulate. Even when parents aren’t intending on “teaching” something, children pick up on unspoken messages. Parents are human and they sometimes loose their temper. Use those times as relationship repair moments. After you’ve calmed down, own your misbehavior, apologize for blowing up and then talk about the issue of concern. It’s what you do and how you handle yourself after you’ve messed up, that relationship repair lessons are learned.
2. Respect – The Parenting Golden Rule: “Treat your child as you would like to be treated if you were in the same position.” Consider what your child is going through when physically punished, in a time out or being scolded in front of their friends. Parents sometimes get lost in a power struggle and feel they need to get the upper hand. That’s faulty thinking. You ARE the parent. Give yourself a few minutes to step back in to your parental role within integrity.
3. Making sense of meanness – Hurt people hurt people. Instead of vilifying or retaliating against people who have offended your child, help them to understand what they’re feeling first, and then to consider what the other might be going through. Maybe they’re reacting to an injustice done to them that has nothing to do with you. Maybe you’ve offended them or caught them off guard (and they’re acting poorly). Can your child “become the bigger person,” make sense of his own feelings, and deal with the mean behavior after the other person has calmed down?
4. When your child is upset; stop, take a time out and process the moment – No Knee jerk reaction. Instead of telling your child to apologize, or stop the misbehavior, help them to process and make sense of why they did what they did. What happened to you that you felt the need to hit? What’s going on that you felt the need to steal? Help them understand what’s happening within themselves. After they have calmed down and figured out what their acting out behavior was about, then you can discuss consequences for their action, and come up with more appropriate ways of resolving conflict.
5. Don’t take something away unless you can replace it with the corrective response. In other words, don’t tell another person they’ve got to change their attitude – unless you talk with them about the attitude you’d like them to have. Why is it important to you? And why do you want it for them? Help them come up with the “fix” that will repair the relationship.
6. You can’t hold a grudge against a person unless you’ve talked with them first. Many times people hold grudges against another – and the other has no clue why that person is upset with them. They can’t read your mind. So in order to be able to hold a grudge, your child needs to use the “I Message” skill of communication and let the other person know why they’re upset and what they’re needing from the other to repair the rift.

And the story goes like this:
A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present “Seven Wonders of the World.” Thought there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes:

1. Egypt’s Great Pyramids
2. Taj Majal
3. Grand Canyon
4. Panama Canal
5. Empire State Building
6. St. Peter’s Basilica
7. China’s Great Wall

While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student had not finished her paper yet. So, she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The girl replied, “Yes, a little. I couldn’t quite make up my mind because there were so many.”
The teacher said, “Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help.”

The girl hesitated, then read, “I think the “Seven Wonders of the World” are:

1. To See
2. To Hear
3. To Touch
4. To Taste
5. To Feel
6. To Laugh
7. To Love

The room was so quiet, you could have heard a pin drop. The things we overlook that we feel are simple and ordinary, that we take for granted, are truly wondrous! Let this serve as a gentle reminder that the most precious things in life cannot be built by hand or bought by man. Take time now to hug the ones you love and be grateful for all you have and enjoy this moment right now.

Research has shown that a significant number of people associate the holidays with a time of anxiety, loss, regret and loneliness. Holiday blues are a common occurrence brought on by stress, fatigue, unrealized expectations, financial restraints, social obligations, over-commercialization and previous unpleasant experiences. All of us have experienced these feelings in some form or another and have laughed at the seasonal movies that satire the awkward family moments and the gifts that are certain to be “re-gifted”.

So – how do you cope? You can relieve holiday stresses by planning and preparing now and by following the HOLIDAY acronym that I have shared with my clients to help them throughout the holiday season.

H

Handle holiday plans with care. Be realistic with your expectations. Plan your menus, gift giving ideas and participation in festivities. Set realistic goals for your ever changing family’s needs. Include them in the decision making. Some rituals are good to hold on to while letting go of those that have lost its significance.

O

Outreach. The holidays are a great time to volunteer with your family and reach out to those in need. This can create a more meaningful experience. Include those who may not have family around or widows and newly single – who may not have any where to go for the holidays.

L

Learn to say “No.” Saying yes when you should say no can leave you feeling resentful and overwhelmed. Be clear about what you want and stick with it. Set a realistic budget for gift giving and holiday meals. Remember you can’t buy happiness.

I

Include others by reaching out for their help. Most people want to be helpful but have no idea what you’re needing – unless you ask. Children can participate in the tasks at hand. As Nana often reminded, “many hands make light work” (John Heywood).

D

Don’t abandon healthy habits. The holidays shouldn’t be an excuse for overindulgence. Continue to get plenty of sleep and physical activity. Make time to exercise. It increases your overall health and your sense of well-being.

A

Allow time for yourself. Be mindful of your emotional well-being. Talk with someone whom you trust to vent your frustrations. If the stresses of the holidays are too much to handle take a break. Make time to take care of yourself.

Y

You are wonderful! BE the person you want to be around. Similar to the Golden Rule – treat others the way you want them to treat you and treat yourself the way you want to be treated.
May your holidays keep you ever present, living “in the moment” with those you love. Loving and fulfilling relationships are the key to creating the holiday memories that will last a lifetime.

Do you grieve your losses or do you immediately replace them? We’ve all had the experience of losing a cat or dog that meant the world to us, and before we’ve had time to grieve, some well-meaning friend suggests that it’s time for a new puppy or kitten.

If you don’t have time for emotional closure regarding how that animal’s companionship enriched your life, then the idea of a new pet can feel wrong, insensitive, and disrespectful to your process. Likewise, without proper closure to a relationship, whether three months or thirty years, we’re likely ignoring our feelings of grief and loss.

Ending a relationship has many lessons to teach us about how we love, both good and bad. Recognizing where we compromise or withhold, the ways we’re giving or controlling, how we can be driven by fantasy over reality, or the ways in which we’re selfless or selfish all provide us with data for who we are.

Don’t sell yourself short by moving on with someone new if you haven’t taken the time to do a proper emotional autopsy on your last relationship. After all, you were (or thought you were) in love with that person at one time. Once you feel complete with yourself about your prior relationship and feel like you’ve had proper closure with your partner, meaning you’re not holding on to any anger or resentment, then, and only then, is it time to move on with the new.

Photo credit: sixwise.com

With the holidays right around the corner it’s an excellent time for you to prepare for and decide what memories you want to create this holiday season. Family rituals help to define your cultural traditions and the values you espouse and to create a strong sense of belonging for one another. They also become the memories that children talk about long after they leave home.

What were your fondest memories in preparing the Thanksgiving meal? Did each member have a specific responsibility? Were toddlers given age appropriate tasks? Or were children asked to play and stay out of the way?

Children thrive when they feel included in holiday preparations. It gives them a sense of feeling needed, valued and that they belong. They get the message that as a member of your family, they matter.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, do your holiday memories elicit distress or sadness? Do you have family members who aren’t speaking with each other? Is there a thoughtless/clueless relative who others prefer not to have around? What do you do with the relative who drinks too much? How should one handle these diversions when the holidays are supposed to be festive?

Plan now what you want your family holiday legacy to be. How do you want your children to remember the holidays? Do you have to include everyone? What keeps you from doing things differently? How will you handle the negative comments from others?

You have choices. Talk with your spouse about your hopes and dreams for the holiday season. Discuss how the two of you will handle the potentially uneasy moments. Explore the deeper uncomfortable feelings that overwhelm you and discuss them with your partner.

As the listening spouse, allow your loved one to express disappointment and fears. When one is able to talk about and deal with those negative emotions, it allows them to make sense of the angst and creates room for a more loving and connecting legacy.

Some of you may desire additional support during the stressful holiday season. If that’s the case, please reach out. Ask for help from someone you trust. You deserve to have nurturing family memories that will be passed down from one generation to the next.

We welcome your comments and suggestions for future articles, please add them below.

(Photo credit cnn.com)

“Inside the heart of each and every one of us there is a longing to be understood by someone who really cares. When a person is understood, he or she can put up with almost anything in the world.” – Ed Hird, Author, Speaker, Minister

Couples typically come in to my office complaining, “We can’t communicate!” Each describes what their partner is doing wrong, complains about that person’s character flaw, and implores how s/he needs to change. The anger eventually subsides with both refusing to budge; and feeling frustrated, disconnected, helpless and painfully alone.

What is couple conflict really about? The issue is not about who’s right or wrong, compromising or even fighting fair. At the core of most couple conflict an individual desperately needs to know “Are you really there for me? Will you respond to me when I call? Are you emotionally engaged with me?” Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused therapy calls these ARE Conversations. Behind distress, couples need to know “Will you be Accessible, Responsive and Emotionally Engaged?”

The following steps can help you return to intimacy by working through conflict.

1. Make time alone to figure out what the conflict is really about. Look within. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling because of what my partner did or did not do? Do I feel hurt? Shame? Disrespected? Discarded?”
2. Have an honest look at your stance. Consider the three words that have saved many relationships. Not “I love you,” but “Maybe I’m wrong”. Are you focusing entirely on what your partner is doing wrong (in your eyes) and have your blinders on when it comes to your own behavior and actions?
3. Is it really about being right? Or is it about being heard, understood and valued for who you are and what’s important for you?
4. Tell your partner what you need or want from him/her instead of what is wrong. Use the communication skill of an “I Message”. The formula is “I (feel) ______ (hurt, alone, discarded) when _______ (the offense or neglectful act).”
5. Listen with an open mind to what your partner is saying. Listen to the meaning behind the actual words s/he is saying. Often, a critical or blaming partner is longing for the closeness you once had, but unfortunately the delivery feels more like a dagger than a plea for connection. And when a partner shuts down and withdraws it’s often a way of protecting the bond, to stop the fighting.

Repairing emotional distress requires an honest look within and the grace of humility. You can bridge the communication gap by talking about the “ARE” questions that are at the heart of every relationship.

(Photo credit 1lifewithyou.blogspot.com)