All couples go through rough patches in their relationship. What’s sad is that when it happens to us we feel like failures, shut people out and hold fast to the appearance of having our emotional house in order. How different it would be if our society were to normalize, neutralize and put judgments aside so that we can truly be supportive with one another.

Finding a loving relationship is the main goal in life for most Americans, placing it ahead of career or financial success. Yet half of all marriages end in divorce. Couple’s attempts of working through those perpetual issues are like the definition of insanity … doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Yet it’s the reaction from our partner (defensive or non-responsive) that keeps this destructive cycle alive.

What is the cause of conflict in relationships?

“Most fights are really protests over emotional disconnection” says Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy. “We are never more emotional than when our primary love relationship is threatened. When our loved one is unavailable or unresponsive, we are assailed by emotions of anger, sadness, hurt and above all fear. Fear negatively impacts the secure attachment bond with loved ones. The anger, criticism and demands are really cries to draw their mate back in emotionally and reestablish a sense of safe connection.”

5 Keys for a Thriving Relationship

1. Prioritize time with your partner. Keep romance and friendship alive. Put responsibilities aside and make time to nurture your relationship.
2. Words – Be mindful how you start up a conversation. The delivery of a message is often more important than the actual words themselves. Kind, considerate and respectful talk that is reserved for friends or when company is present needs to be used with your spouse.
3. Pay attention to your partner’s bids for connection. Notice and acknowledge your partner’s gestures of kindness, even for those things that are “expected” in relationships.
4. Take care of unfinished business. The #1 predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict. Prioritize time weekly to work through problems that keep you feeling disconnected. An Emotionally Focused marriage therapist may help you discover the root of the issue and set you on a more enriching path.
5. Respect – the Golden Rule of Relationships – Treat your partner the way you want to be treated and treat yourself the way you want your partner to treat you.

Photo credit – sheknows.com

The problem, according to the newly released movie “Bully” shows that we as a society have been unsure as to whether bullying is really a problem, or if it’s just “kids being kids.” Where does one draw the line with unkindness and meanness? Secondly, when we suspect that the bullying behavior is getting out of hand, we’re unsure about what action to take. If we step in and rescue the child, it makes the child look weak; and if we don’t do anything we in essence are allowing the child to be abused.

Bullying is a problem of physical and relational aggression. We need to be clear that any type of physical or relational aggression is not to be tolerated. Treating people as if they are not good enough is never okay.

Understanding the Aggressor/Bully

• Bullying is learned behavior
• They lack skills in managing feelings of frustration or rejection as well as the social skills of working with or tolerating differences
• When the bully feels powerless or afraid, he is likely to be aggressive because it makes him feel powerful and in control
• Although they appear to be “social leaders” they tend to have serious adjustment and relational issues in the future. They have doubts about their value and self worth.

Bystanders/Witnesses
Bullying incidents are witnessed by a crowd of people 80% of the time. The Bully experiences the full affect of his dominance and power over the Victim when he’s generated a jeering crowd that (inadvertently) supports his actions. Bystanders often feel guilty after witnessing these incidents and wish they could have handled things differently. Similar to Victims, they feel
powerless, helpless and unsure what to do.

Bystanders can have a tremendous impact in stopping aggressive behavior. Parents can help their children by teaching that hitting and name calling are never okay. Talk with them about how they feel after they witness a bullying incident in school. Discuss scenarios of what they can do the next time they witness injustice. Plan ahead with friends to stop participating as a bystander and stop the bullying pattern. When the Bully is your friend, you can tell him to stop. Encourage bystanders to walk away with you leading the way. Find courage from within to befriend the target/victim.

Carolyn Gerard is a 20 year Fairbanks Ranch resident, wife and mother of five children (including twins). She is a Marriage & Family Therapist specializing in Couples & Relationship therapy. She will be co-facilitating “A Weekend to Remember – Renewing the Bonds of Love,” an intensive couples retreat on June 15 & June 16.

Read my previous article: Bullying: 3 Important Steps for Parents of Bullied Children

Why is it important to be emotionally intelligent?
The ability to perceive, to understand and to express one’s feelings is essential to effective and healthy management of emotions. Once recognized, skills can be taught to master feelings of self worth, as well as more responsible responses to the feelings of others. These skills can help children to resist peer pressures, avoid bullying mentalities, and to provide more effective methods on how to manage their time and work cooperatively with others.

How to become an emotionally intelligent parent:

1. Identify and label your own feelings. Feelings are neither good nor bad. They just are. We all have them.
2. Promote discussion of feelings, especially those which seem inappropriate such as jealousy, inadequacy, anger, doubt or fear. Talking about them actually helps to neutralize the negative impact.
3. Help your children identify and label their own feelings. A good place to start is with simple expressions of, “It seems that you’re (feeling) … sad, angry, offended, hurt, confused, etc.
4. Help your child identify and label the feelings of others.
5. Be the role model you want your child to emulate.

As we talk about and normalize feelings, putting judgment aside; children will be able to make sense of them and manage them in a healthier way.

Carolyn Gerard is a 20+ year Fairbanks Ranch resident, mother of five children (including twins) and wife of 30+ years. She is a Marriage & Family Therapist specializing in Couples & Relationship therapy. She will be co-facilitating a Couples Weekend Retreat June 15 & 16. For more information contact (858) 756-8171, cg (at) GerardCounseling (dot) com or www.Relationships4Life.com.

Having a loving and fulfilling relationship is the #1 goal for most individuals, greater than financial success. But most people are not taking the time to make sure their relationships are successful and happy.

Are you spending time to cultivate the relationship you so desire?

1. Nurture Friendship. Put responsibilities aside and play. Make time for a weekly date night. To keep it fun, take turns and plan with a theme in mind i.e. romantic, exotic, adventurous, let’s pretend, free, just for you, something new, etc. Keep conversations light. Conversation starters can be “Remember when, funniest moments, I knew it was love when, the thing I love most about you is, what initially attracted me to you was,” etc.
2. Touch Often. Physical touch promotes the release of oxytocin, the attachment and bonding hormone. When touched couples feel cared for, loved and desired. Both non-sexual and sexual touch is vital to keep loving feelings alive. Hold hands, give hugs, sit on the couch and snuggle.
3. Communicate. Communication is the key for couples. Remember, there are two parts to communication – Listening and Talking. Listen to hear not only the words, but the meaning behind the words. Listening requires one to tune in and hear what is being said. It’s not about preparing your rebuttal. Be mindful also of how you speak. The tone of voice, posture and intent of the message is conveyed louder than the actual words.
4. Take Care of Unfinished Business. The #1 predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict. Prioritize time weekly to work through the issues that keep you feeling disconnected. Problem solving skills are needed to come up with solutions, not to just prove your partner wrong. Couples often wait six years before consulting a marriage therapist, usually a last effort to save their dying marriage.
5. Create a Connection Ritual. Grieving spouses shared that the thing they missed most with their spouse were the simple rituals of connection. “He would always get up first and bring me coffee in bed”. Even the little things count in keeping love alive.

Carolyn Gerard is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist specializing in Couples and Relationship therapy. She is also a mother of 5 children including twins, and wife of 30+ years. For more information contact (858) 756-8171, cg (at) GerardCounseling (dot) com, www.Relationships4Life.com.

(Photo credit sodahead.com)

Bullying behavior is so detrimental to a child’s development. The formative years of a child’s life are already filled with questions, “Who am I?”, “Where do I belong?” As parents, our job is to make sure our child feels valued through every step of his development.

Bullying is so dangerous because it can not only cause physical harm, but emotional. If children are constantly reinforcing negative perceptions about themselves, they can easily slip into a depressed state. And, if your relationship with your child is not strong, they may not feel comfortable reaching out to you if they are in physical or emotional pain. They may already believe the harmful messages they are hearing from a bully and in turn they may be telling themselves they deserve what they are receiving or it really is their fault.

What is a parent to do about bullying?
If you suspect bullying, the following 3 steps are a must:

1. Talk to your child to empower him/her.
   Children lose their own personal power and confidence when they start to believe they are not worthy of love and respect of others. Tell your child, they are strong, that you believe in them and there is nothing you can’t work through together. Show them their self worth and how the words of others do not have to hurt them. Offer suggestions on how to handle the bully if it happens again. (Carolyn – you may want to add to this here, or, we can even make it a 2nd blog article)
2. Explore their feelings with them.
   Talking about the problem will help them process it. Be a good listener. Help draw them out if they get stuck and validate their feeling. The more they talk about it, they can process what happened (even if it’s the same story that they want to talk about over and over) and that takes the power away from it so they can regain ownership in their lives.
3. Focus on positive aspects of their life.
   Is the bullying around something that may be true, such as a weight issue? Whether the issue is an actual reality or just feels true, the experience is the same for your child. Help them see all the wonderful things about themselves. Have them tell you or write in a journal every day “3 Things I Like About Me”. There is always something positive in your life you can be grateful for, help them see it and reinforce it as often as you can.

Learn more on this video from a segment I did with Channel 6 news and I encourage you to see The Bully Project movie in theaters now. http://thebullyproject.com/

1. Trust – Trust is the foundation of intimacy. It is the firm belief in others honest and reliability. It counteracts the fear of being hurt by another person.
2. Self-Worth – The belief that you are inherently lovable, capable and entitled to happiness and assumes others are too. Enables you to appreciate what you have to offer to others.
3. Positive Regard for Others – the flip side of self worth, but for others. Willingness to view others as lovable and capable.
4. Interdependence – The give and take in relationships; the balance that enables one to act independent and operate as a team.
5. Tolerance for conflict, ambiguity and imperfection. If you are able to be tolerant and flexible enough to compromise, you can resolve conflicts in a way that allows others to be themselves even if it’s not the way we wish them to be.

For more information on healthy communication with your spouse or marriage counseling, contact me.

“Most fights are really protests over emotional disconnection” says Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy. She goes on to say that “we are never more emotional than when our primary love relationship is threatened. When our loved one is unavailable or unresponsive, we are assailed by emotions of anger, sadness, hurt and above all fear. Fear interrupts and negatively impacts the secure attachment bond with loved ones. It is the strongest and most deeply held emotion. The anger, criticism and demands are really cries to draw their mate back in emotionally and reestablish a sense of safe connection.”

How can families create loving and harmonious relationships in their daily lives?

• Consider the Golden Rule – Treat other people the way you want to be treated. We all long to feel valued and understood, and to know that our thoughts and feelings matter.
• When your loved one confronts you use the skill of Active Listening. It’s your time to listen; not to refute their claim or defend your actions, but to listen for the underlying message at the heart of their complaint. Remember, the protest is usually over emotional disconnection.
• When you need to talk use the “I Message” formula. Express what you want instead of what is wrong (with the other person). It’s easier for an individual to listen to you when s/he does not feel attacked or put down.The “I Message” formula is “I feel ___________ (upset, hurt, rejected, discouraged) when _____________ (the action that was done) and I would like _____________ (the desired result).

Time unfortunately does not erase emotional wounds. When issues are swept under the carpet they often show up in the next big argument. Find the courage to address your needs and wants using the skills of communication to overcome life’s obstacles, enjoy conflict resolution, and to create Relationships For Life.

1. Prioritize your partner. Keep romance and friendship alive. Spend time getting to really know your partner. Discuss one another’s goals, dreams, fears, likes, dislikes, friends, etc. Don’t be afraid of your differences. They are not a threat to your relationship. Learn to accept and embrace their unique qualities, which help to balance your couple relationship.
2. Be careful how you “start up” a conversation. When confronting your partner with an issue that needs to be addressed, stop and think about what you want to accomplish. Is your intention to improve your relationship or your couple goals? Or are you trying to defend yourself and get even – taking care of individual self? Be aware of your own feelings and what you want to accomplish. Share both positive and negative feelings with your partner (grateful, touched, hurt, embarrassed, angry, left out) to increase understanding, closeness and intimacy.
3. Pay attention to your partner’s bids for connection. Small talk is often used as a way of checking out the receptivity of their partner. Acknowledge your partner as s/he enters a room. Don’t take your spouse for granted. Prioritize a date night at least once per week. Schedule it just like you would any other business appointment.
4. A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. A husband’s ability to be persuaded by his wife is so critical because, research shows, women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband is able to do so as well.
5. Treat your partner with the utmost respect. Refuse to accept hurtful behavior from your partner. Communicate your feelings using the “I” word. I’m upset, I’m disturbed, I’ve had a bad day, etc. Be responsible for your own feelings. Inform your partner what has upset you and what resolution you would like to see. Ex.: I (feel) ……. when ………. and I would like ……. .
6. Exit an argument before it gets out of control. If your partner is talking, it’s your job to listen. Listen for understanding. Listen to the feelings behind the words. Try to understand what your partner is feeling and reflect this back. Let go of defensiveness and join your partner. Learn to attack problems, not each other. Change from Me to WE.
7. Focus on the bright side. In a happy marriage, couples make five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship than negative ones.

Real Success is measured by the quality of our relationships. “Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work”, John Gottman.

Are you missing the love, connection and respect that you once had with your partner?

Have frustrating and destructive cycles destroyed the passion you once felt for each other?

Do you find yourself comforting yourself by saying things like, “passion always fades after the beginning of a relationship, I just need to accept that and figure out how to communicate better.”?

There are so many myths about love and relationships in our world and our culture today. Anyone can write a self-help book or lead a relationship workshop. So, how do you know what to believe? And how do you actually put in to practice what you learn?

The truth is, you can have a loving, passionate connection with your partner. You are not destined to a ho-hum existence…you can have love, passion and harmony in your relationship. And you can trust that this workshop will show you how to create it.

HOLD ME TIGHT is a workshop based on the book of the same name. The book (and workshop) was written by the founder of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT), the method with the highest proven outcomes for couples therapy.

• EFT has an astounding 70 – 75% success rate and results have been shown to last, even in the face of significant stress.

• EFT is recognized by the American Psychological Association as empirically proven.

The message of EFT is simple: Forget about learning how to argue better, analyzing your early childhood, making grand romantic gestures, or experimenting with new sexual positions. Instead, accept that like all mammals we are “pack animals.” We need our pack and we need to feel safe in order to experience the joys of a passionate, respectful partnership. We really do need and depend on our partner for nurturing, soothing, and protection…even as adults.

The key questions for couples in love relationships are:

Are you there for me?
Do I matter to you?
Am I enough for you?

If both of you can answer a resounding, “YES!” to all three of these questions, then this workshop may not be for you. Congratulations! If you answer, “I think so”, or “some of the time” or, even “most of the time” to even one of these questions then this workshop is for you.

If you already have a pretty good relationship, Hold Me Tight will give you the experience and tools you need to ensure a life time of love, joy and passion together. This is a great Premarital workshop!

If you have hit some rocky moments, or are feeling trapped in a downward spiral, this workshop can help you turn things around and begin an upward trajectory of closeness and connection.

If you are a therapist and are interested in an introduction to EFT and would love to introduce your partner to your world, Hold Me Tight is a great introduction (14 CEU’s are available for California MFT’s and LCSW’s).

During the Hold Me Tight workshop you will learn to:

* Break the cycles of frustration and loneliness in your relationship
* Make sense of your own emotions and your partner’s
* Create lasting trust and intimacy
* Forgive injuries that keep you from really trusting and feeling safe with your partner
* Deepen your romantic and sexual connection

You will experience:

* Time Away to prioritize your relationship
* Experience and renew your connection and bond
* Privacy – No need to share anything at the group level
* Lectures, worksheets, videos, and practical exercises to help all learning styles
* Assistance during your private exercises with experienced EFT therapists
* Effective Proven Approach which creates lasting resolution to problems and issues …

You don’t need to figure this out alone. Most couples need a little help along the way, and we want to help you. Call, email or check out our website to register today!

Julie Kyker, MFT
(619) 825-5982
www.HoldMeTightSanDiego.com

Please note, we limit the number of couples to ensure you each get the attention you need. This workshop will fill up quickly.

Cost per Couple – $647
Early registration by May 25th – $597.

Fees include all materials, lunch and snacks throughout both days.

Tweens can be complicated and moody. In order to help your tween through this transitional phase to adolescence, you must first put yourself in his shoes. Below are steps you can take to know, understand and relate to your tween.

1. Defining Tweens
   Is your child approaching this dynamic and transitional phase of development, or is she already there? Is she ready for the next few years? Are you? Tweens (also known as preteens) are wedged in between two worlds. They aren’t yet teenagers, but they’re no longer little kids either. This phase of development presents many challenges and joys to parents. Watching your child inch towards adolescence can be difficult, especially when you know all the difficulties ahead. On the other hand, your tween will grow, and learn in dramatic ways these next few years, and you get a front-row seat to watch it all.
2. Do You Understand Today’s Tweens?
   Try to remember all the changes you went through between the ages of 9 and 12. It’s mind boggling, but tweens are up to the challenge, as long as they have parental support. Some of the more difficult challenges your child will face include puberty, entering middle school, and dealing with social problems and peer pressure. Remember that your child’s biggest resource for making sense of these challenges is you. You can help your tween embrace the changes of puberty, conquer the challenges of middle school, and learn to deal with difficult peers. You can do all of this because you were once a tween yourself, and you’ve already faced these challenges head-on.
3. Tweens May Become Secretive
   In the tween years children begin withdrawing from their families and expanding their circle of friends. Don’t worry, this is a normal part of growing up. Your tween may prefer to spend Friday night with his friends from school over staying at home for family movie night. Don’t take it personally, it’s all a part of growing up and becoming independent. However, you still need to make sure that you and your tween find time to bond together and interact with one another. It’s also important to learn as much as you can about your child’s friends. Keep in touch with other parents so you know what’s happening in your community. Also, include your tween’s friends occasionally in family activities or invite them over for sleepovers.
4. Tweens Get Depressed
   It’s hard to believe that children as young as 9 may suffer from depression, but it happens. Remember your tween is up against quite a bit in just a few short years and that can be overwhelming at times. Bullying, increased homework, friend difficulties and puberty all provide stress and anxiety. And today’s tweens are even involved in dating, which can bring a whole new list of anxieties your child has never known before. Knowing the signs of depression in tweens is the first step to helping them overcome their situation.
5. Tweens Know Stress
   Homework, testing, lack of sleep and schedules that are overbooked with activities may lead to stress. But you can reduce your child’s stress by stepping in when you think life’s demands are becoming too much for him. Cut back on activities if his schedule doesn’t allow for free time, and make sure your child is getting the nutrition and sleep that his development demands. Addressing stress and preventing it through family counseling will help your tween make it through these next four years of development.
6. Tweens are Nervous About Middle School

It’s an even bigger transition than entering high school, however parents can do a lot to prepare their tweens for middle school. Remember to begin preparing your tween for middle school in his final year of elementary school. That will give him, and you, the opportunity to make the transition as smooth as possible.

• Tweens are Technologically Savvy
  There’s never been a group of children who know more about computers and technology. But there should be some limitations placed on your tween’s computer habits. If your tween knows more about computers, social networking and the Internet than you do, than it might be time to ask your child for a few lessons. Sit down with him to learn where tweens are going online, and take the time to check-out your child’s favorite websites. Be sure you make your family rules and values very clear to him, and enforce consequences if he decides not to follow your rules concerning online behavior.
• Tweens are Easily Embarrassed
  Don’t take it personally, but your tween probably doesn’t think you’re as perfect as he once did. Knowing how to handle your tween’s feelings about you will save him from embarrassment, and you from hurt feelings.

http://tweenparenting.about.com/od/relatingtoyourtween/tp/RealtetoTweenHub.htm