Why successful couples have boundaries – by Esther Perel

“A boundary is simply what’s ok and what’s not ok.” — Brené Brown Every couple will negotiate boundaries: what is individual, what is ours, and what is public. The architecture of a relationship is made up of a web of rules and roles that we begin weaving on the first date. It never ceases to amaze me how a little unit of two can be such a complex social system. The moment two people become a couple, they set out to negotiate boundaries—what is in and what is out. Who is in and who is out? What are we free to do alone and what do we share? Do we go to bed at the same time? Do we combine our finances? Whose name is on the deed? Will you be joining my family every Christmas? There are explicit boundary markers that delineate our public contract and spoken agreement (i.e. wedding vows), as well as implicit boundaries we make with ourselves about where we draw our lines and create our own demarcation. Sometimes we work out these arrangements head on, but more often we go by trial and error. We see how much we can get away with before trip-wiring on sensitivities. “Why didn’t you ask me to join you?” “I thought we’d travel together.” “Why don’t you want to stay over at my place?” A look, a comment, a bruised silence are the clues we have to interpret. We infer how often to see each other, how often to talk, and how much sharing is expected. We sift through our respective friendships and decide how important they’re allowed to...

San Diego Couples Workshop: Hold Me Tight Retreat

I will be teaching at the Hold Me Tight Couples Retreat Friday and Saturday, June 15 & 16, from 9am-6pm. Are you missing the love, connection and respect that you once had with your partner? Have frustrating and destructive cycles destroyed the passion you once felt for each other? Do you find yourself comforting yourself by saying things like, “passion always fades after the beginning of a relationship, I just need to accept that and figure out how to communicate better.”? There are so many myths about love and relationships in our world and our culture today. Anyone can write a self-help book or lead a relationship workshop. So, how do you know what to believe? And how do you actually put in to practice what you learn? The truth is, you can have a loving, passionate connection with your partner. You are not destined to a ho-hum existence…you can have love, passion and harmony in your relationship. And you can trust that this workshop will show you how to create it. HOLD ME TIGHT is a workshop based on the book of the same name. The book (and workshop) was written by the founder of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT), the method with the highest proven outcomes for couples therapy. • EFT has an astounding 70 – 75% success rate and results have been shown to last, even in the face of significant stress. • EFT is recognized by the American Psychological Association as empirically proven. The message of EFT is simple: Forget about learning how to argue better, analyzing your early childhood, making grand romantic gestures, or...